Expectations have worked against me nearly all of my life. It is something I have been working to correct since this realization surfaced. I know once I am successful in changing my thinking, life will be simpler for me.
I have spent my life expecting people to return my phone calls the way I return theirs; do the job the way I would do it; consider my feelings the way I do theirs; give a matter the same importance I give it; read their emails as often as I read mine; be punctual; be as enthusiastic about the project as I am; and on, and on, and on. I now realize if I have my expectations set high, I am usually going to be disappointed. I have been setting myself up for a let down for years. What is crazy about it is when a person failed my expectation I would hold it against them on some level.
The question I have had to ask myself is – does it make any sense to have negative feelings toward a person because they didn’t respond the way I expected? Does it make sense to work at forgiving them for something they did or didn’t do just because I expected them to do or not do something? Not to me. Not any more. I’m the one who suffers. I’m the one who expends all the emotional energy dealing with the issue. It’s kind of like getting angry with a person who cuts me off in traffic and letting it ruin my day, or at least part of it. They may not even be aware of their action. If they did mean to do it, they couldn’t care less about my emotions. Either way I lose.
The only way expectations make sense to me now is if I have developed a relationship with a person that is deep enough that I know them. I mean that I know them well enough that I pretty well know what to expect. Then if their action or no action is different from my expectation I can know something is wrong and I can discuss it with them. There may be something broken that needs to fixed. Or possibly I am assuming something or even taking them for granted.
I am finding, as usual, it is not easy to change my mindset, but with prayer and practice I am changing. I am finding it might be best if my expectations match the level of the relationship I have with a person. A new acquaintance – no expectation; new friendship – low expectation; long time friendship – high expectation. And then it depends on the issue – the level of importance. I now try to ask myself how important is it in my life on a scale of 1 to 10? Will it matter a hundred years from now, 50, 10, 5 or even 1?
I know there is one in whom I can let my expectations soar. He is my best friend and I can discuss everything with Him. I can take my disappointments to Him. He tells me no matter what happens, He works it for good. Meet my best friend–Jesus.
Thanks for being transparent Tom. I too had high expectations of people early inmy ministry and it often left me disappointed. When the Holy Spirit shifted my thinking He freed me from expecting people to operate by my standards and expectations and just accept them as they were it made ministry so much more freeing. Now my expectation is inthe One who can fulfill them, The Lord.
Thanks for the comment, Bernard.
I will certainly use your insight to re-evaluate my expectations from others. This could be a good small group exercise. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Yvonne. Feel free to use. I hope you’re doing better.
Hi Tom,
When I saw that your blog post was going to be about “expectations” I expected that it would be good. I wasn’t disappointed.
Be Blessed!
Thanks for the comment, Bob.
Great article Tom. You have a lot of insight and wisdom in your articles and I always enjoy reading them. I like your new look, too.
Deborah Malone
Thank you, Deborah.
Thanks for the comment, Doug. We all seem to learn this the hard way.
This is right on Tom. I have lived with this same affliction for most of my life. We all need to expect nothing from people around us. We need to only rely on our heavenly Father to be there when we need, Him, and even then we need to be gracious.
Doug
Great post Tom! I too have had unrealistic expectations at times with my family, spouse, church, friends, etc. The list goes on and on…
What’s so true is that is often punishes us – we FEEL the letdown and unfulfilled promise that we think we deserve. You’re correct in saying that we are often so judgmental towards others simply because we use the wrong measuring stick. We all will face unmet needs and generally critique what everyone else does as though we’re their master. Isn’t it freeing to just let go of it all and go to the Lord with our frustrations and letdowns!
Thanks, Deborah. Knowing the truth is so freeing.
I completely agree with you about expectations. I think more pain and suffering derive from inappropriate expectations than anything else. How many times has someone plaintively cried out, “I thought you would …!” It is a terrible burden on people when other people expect things.
There is a difference, too, between expectations based on our assumptions and expectations based on agreements. Children often suffer terribly because their parents make assumptions that are not reality-based. Then, when the parents are hurt, they become angry and take vengeance. Wise parents set their expectations based on communication, not imagination. The same thing goes for friends.
I think you are right to say that if you don’t know someone well, you are better off expecting nothing.
Great post.
Thanks for the comment, Katherine.
I hear you! People disappoint us all the time, but fortunately, God has a Master Plan which helps us keep everything in perspective.
Trust is a major issue in relationships. It’s sad when trust is broken by irrational expectations.
Good insight, Tom. Expectations are something we all need to review and make adjustments as needed
Thanks, Carol.